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Friends, the sayings and quotes from this page were compiled from
a variety of different sources.

Then was our mouth filled with laughter... Psalms 126:2a
A merry heart doeth good like a medicine... Proverbs 17:22a
A merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance... Proverbs 15:13a
To everything there is a season, and a time to every
purpose under the heaven:... and a time to laugh... Ecclesiastes 3:1 & 3:4b


 

Now, wasn't that worth a few
moments of your time

in the midst of all the craziness
going on???


Subject: Road Rage

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy NJ boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.' I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School'
bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk; naturally ... I assumed you had stolen the car.'

Priceless.


My Resume

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, But I got canned.  I couldn't concentrate.

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe

3. After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it  mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

5. Then, I tried to be a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

6. Next, I attempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut the mustard.

7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.

10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

11. I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Co., but the work was just too draining.

12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT AND FOUND THAT I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!


The Tax Poem

At first I thought this was funny...  Then I realized the awful truth of it.
 
Be sure to read all the way to the end!
  

THE TAX POEM

Tax his land, Tax his bed, Tax the table at which he's fed.

Tax his tractor, Tax his mule, Teach him taxes are the rule.

Tax his work, Tax his pay, He works for peanuts anyway!

Tax his cow, Tax his goat, Tax his pants, Tax his coat!

Tax his ties, Tax his shirt, Tax his work, Tax his dirt.

Tax his tobacco,  Tax his drink,  Tax him if he tries to think.  

Tax his cigars,  Tax his beers,  If he cries Tax his tears.  

Tax his car,  Tax his gas,  Find other ways to tax his a--.
 
 
Tax all he has then let him know that you won't be done till he has no dough.

When he screams and hollers, then tax him some more, Tax him till He's good and sore.

Then tax his coffin, Tax his grave, Tax the sod in which he's laid. 

Put these words upon his tomb, ' Taxes drove me to my doom...'

When he's gone, do not relax, its time to apply the inheritance tax.

Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL license Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Excise Taxes
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasol ine At x (44.75 cents per gallon)
Gross Receipts Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Personal Property Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service Charge Tax
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax
Sales Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Taxes
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
Telephone State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Utility Taxes
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY ?
 
Not ONE of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.  We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middleclass in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids. 
 
What happened? Can you spell 'politicians?' and I still have to 'press 1' for English!?


Sunday Paper

For all of us who are seniors - for all of you who know seniors - and for all of you who will be seniors. It pays to be able to laugh about it when you are!

And, speaking of senior moments:

"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!" The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam", said the newspaper employee,   "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter,   

"Well, shoot... so that's why no one was at church today".


Ten Commandments

Some people have trouble with all those 'shall's' and 'shall not's' in the Ten Commandments. Folks just aren't used to talking in those terms. So, in middle Tennessee they translated the 'King James' into ' Jackson County ' language..... no joke, (posted on the wall at a Church in Gainesboro , TN )


(1) Just one God
(2) Put nothin' before God
(3) Watch yer mouth
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'

(5) Honor yer Ma & Pa
(6) No killin'
(7) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal
(8) Don't take what ain't yers
(9) No tellin' tales or gossipin'
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff



Now that's plain an' simple.
Y'all have a nice day.


Concentrate on this Sentence  

'To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.'  When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.

Concentrate on this sentence... 'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.'  Something good will happen to you today; something that you have been waiting to hear.  
 


A Touching Story of Love and Marriage :

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he
suddenly smelled the aroma of his
favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the
bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the
bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down
the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing
into the kitchen. Were it not for
death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table, were
literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven?
Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife,
seeing to it that he left this world a happy man ?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the
table. The aged and withered hand shaking made his way to
a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly
smacked with a spatula by his wife.

Stay out of those,' she said, 'they're for the funeral.'


Things I Have Learned from Children

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house 4 inches deep.

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

A 3 year old child's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan and tie it to a paint can, it does spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 room.

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

The glass in windows (including double pane windows) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

When you hear the toilet flush along with the words "uh oh," it's already too late.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke (and lots of it).

A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

Certain Lego blocks will pass through the digestive tract of a 4 year old.

Play-Doh and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

Super glue is forever.

No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.

Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

VCRs do not eject sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

You probably don't want to know what that smell is.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

Plastic toys do not like ovens.

The fire department in my town has a 5 minute response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does make cats dizzy, however.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.


REASONS WE LOVE KIDS 

 1) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'


2) KETCHUP

 A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'


3) POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?' 'Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is
that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

4) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied.  Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.  Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

5) ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

6) FUNERAL
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton
batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goooes.'

7) SCHOOL

 
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just
wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

 
8) BIBLE
  A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?'With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'


JUST A TAP ON THE SHOULDER

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'


The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't  realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.


The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab................... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'



My thanks to Vivian Hughes for this contribution to the humor page.

Make a sentence using these four words:
Defeat, deduct, detail and defense all in one sentence. 

Answer:

"De' feet of de' duck went over de' fence before de' tail!"


The Woodpecker Might have to go!

Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark
One
: Don't miss the boat.
Two
: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
Three
: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
Four
: Stay fit When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
Five
: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
Six
: Build your future on high ground.
Seven
: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
Eight
: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
Nine
: When you're stressed, float a while.
Ten
: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
Eleven
: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting...Pass this along and make someone else smile, too.


How to tell if a Catholic is driving too fast

Jewish Olympic Swimmer


Church can be hilarious!


Summary of Life

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.



GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:


1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.


GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD


1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:


1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.


An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

 LOVE,

MOM


Bubba's Memorial Stone
 
 
Bubba died. His will provided $50,000 for an elaborate funeral.  As the last attendees left, Bubba's wife Rose turned to her oldest friend Sadie and said, "Well, I'm sure Bubba would be pleased."
 "I'm sure you're right," replied Sadie, who leaned in close and lowered her voice to a whisper. "Tell me, how much did it really cost?"  "All of it," said Rose. "Fifty thousand."
 "No!" Sadie exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but really... $50,000?" 
 Rose nodded. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church for the Pastor's services. The catered food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."   
 Sadie computed quickly. "$42,500 for a memorial stone?  Oooo --- k, how  big is it?"
 "Seven and a half carats."

 



We Finally Moved Into Our Dream Home!!!


The Joys of Being a Stay at Home Mom

WORKING PEOPLE FREQUENTLY ASK STAY AT HOME MOMS WHAT THEY DO TO MAKE THEIR DAYS INTERESTING.
 
 I WENT TO WAL-MART THE OTHER DAY. I WAS ONLY IN THERE FOR ABOUT 5 MINUTES. WHEN I CAME OUT THERE WAS A CITY COP WRITING OUT A PARKING TICKET.  I WENT UP TO HIM AND SAID, "COME ON, BUDDY, HOW ABOUT GIVING A MOM A BREAK?" HE IGNORED ME AND CONTINUED WRITING THE TICKET............. I CALLED HIM A PIG. HE GLARED AT ME AND STARTED WRITING ANOTHER TICKET FOR HAVING WORN TIRES. ...........SO I CALLED HIM A WORSE NAME. HE FINISHED THE SECOND TICKET AND PUT IT ON THE WINDSHIELD WITH THE FIRST. THEN HE STARTED WRITING A THIRD TICKET.
 
THIS WENT ON FOR ABOUT 20 MINUTES. THE MORE I ABUSED HIM THE MORE TICKETS HE WROTE. I DIDN'T CARE............ MY CAR WAS PARKED AROUND THE CORNER............ AND THIS ONE HAD A, "HILLARY IN '08" BUMPER STICKER ON IT.
 
 I TRY TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN EACH DAY... I HAVE TO IN ORDER TO KEEP MY SANITY!.



SOME TIME-HONORED TRUTHS

 1.  Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things. 

2.  One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. 

3.  One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people. 

4.  To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it. 

5.  Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. 

6.  The older you get, the better you realize you were. 

7.  I doubt, therefore I might be. 

8.  Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. 

9.  Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. 

10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening. 

11. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. 

12. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays? 

13. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? 

14. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 

15. If the entire world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? 

16. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? 

17. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? 

18. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? 

19. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? 

20. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?


Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.  Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready"

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, and I Pink it up, and say, Yellow', this is Mujibar."

Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems.

No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.


A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates.  When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."

A little boy was attending his first wedding.  After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.  "How do you know that?"  "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided t o become a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."

A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service: "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.  " How do you know what to say?" he asked.  "Why, God tells me, " the father replied. "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.  His father asked him three times what was wrong.  Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"

Teri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories.  She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt," said Kyle.  "I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said.  "But who's the fourth person?"  "Oh, that's Pontius - the Pilot."

The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly, did you say prayers before eating?"  "No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook."

A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!" A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would plunge through.  The play was well received.  One day the actor playing the part became ill, and another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend. One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: "Hal lelujah! Hell is full!"

Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year old boy told how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet.  About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, "If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!"  It worked.

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.  From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.  She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "Yes, sweetheart," he answered.  "God made me a long time ago." "Oh," she paused. "Grandpa, did God make me too?"  "Yes, indeed, honey," he said.  "God made you just a little while ago."  Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"


The Guys' Rules

Finally , the guys' side of the story.
(
I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear
" the rules "
From the female side .


Now here are the rules from the male side .
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE! 
 

1.   Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one :
Subtle hints do not work !
Strong hints do not work !
Obvious hints do not work !
Just say it!

1 Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem
only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument
In fact , all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the  other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how t do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did
NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.

1. I am in shape.  Round IS a shape!

You may want to pass this along to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.

You may want to pass this along to as many women as you can -

to give them a bigger laugh!


An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.  I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position  in the hall, and slept for an hour.  This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.  The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar:
'He lives in a home with ten children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'


FROM THE MOUTHS OF BABES...

A first grade school teacher in Virginia presented each child in her classroom the first half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Here are their answers:

1.  Don’t change horses... until they stop running.
2.  Strike while the...bug is close.
3.  It's always darkest before...Daylight Saving Time.
4.  Never underestimate the power of...termites.
5.  You can lead a horse to water but...how?
6.  Don't bite the hand that...looks dirty.
7.  No news is...impossible.
8.  A miss is as good as a...Mr.
9.  You can't teach an old dog new...math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll...stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust...me.
12. The pen is mightier than the...pigs.
13. An idle mind is...the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's...pollution.
15. Happy is the bride who...gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is...not much.
17. Two's company, three's...the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what...you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and...you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as...Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not...spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed...get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you...see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind...get out of the way.


What Love means to a 4-8 year old . . . 

Slow down for three minutes to read this. It is so worth it. Touching words from the mouth of babes.

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, 'What does love mean?'
The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:
 

'When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.'

Rebecca- age 8

'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.'

Billy - age 4

'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.'

Karl - age 5

'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.'

Chrissy - age 6

'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.'

Terri - age 4


'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.'

Danny - age 7

'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.
My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss'

Emily - age 8

'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.'
 

Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,'

Nikka - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)


'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.'

Noelle - age 7

'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.'

Tommy - age 6

'During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.'

Cindy - age 8


'My mommy loves me more than anybody You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.'

Clare - age 6


'Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.'

Elaine-age 5


'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.'

Chris - age 7 


'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.'

Mary Ann - age 4


'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.'

Lauren - age 4

 

'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.' (what an image)

Karen - age 7


'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.'

Jessica - age 8 


And the final one

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.
Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,
'Nothing, I just helped him cry'
 

(Thanks, these were submitted by email from a friend)


20 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit in Your Parked Car with Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer at Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has gotten over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With the Prophecy."

8. Don t use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat with a serious face.

11 Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At the Opera

13. Go to a Poetry Recital and Ask Why the Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their  Party Because You're Not in the Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You by Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!  I Won!"

18. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running Towards the Parking lot, yelling "Run for Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity......Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. It's Called Therapy!


JOKES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCH

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"  "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

~~~~~~~~~~

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed,  "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up,brushed herself off,  and started running again! As she ran, she once again began to pray,"Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the  money!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to  arrest your own mother?" He answered, "Call for backup."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem . A small child replied, "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"  Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad."


Lessons Learned From A Dog......
Great advice! If a dog were the teacher you would learn stuff like:
 
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
 
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
 
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
 
When it’s in your best interest, practice obedience!
 
Let others know when they’ve invaded your territory.
 
Take naps.
 
Stretch before rising.


Run, romp, and play daily.
 
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
 
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
 
On warm days, stop to lie on your back in the grass.
 
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
 
When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
 
 No matter how often you’re scolded, don’t buy into the guilt thing and pout; run right back and make friends.
 
 Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
 
 Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you’re not.
 
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
 
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle him or her gently.


Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.  The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.  The Priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic.  After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison again filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and as he rushed into Bubba's yard clutching a rosary preparing to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.  There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."


Short and Funny


I dialed a number and got the following recording: - "I am not available right now, but Thank you for caring enough to call.   I am making some changes in my life.  Please leave a message after the beep.   If I do not return your call, You are one of the changes."

Aspire to inspire before you expire.

My wife and I had words, But I didn't get to use mine.

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

Blessed are those who can give without remembering And take without forgetting.

The irony of life is that, by the time You're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

The quote of the month is by Jay Leno: - "With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"


Thoughts On Cat Baths - By The Cats!

I Wish I Could Get On My Knees To Pray...

Why Can't I Get Any Traction?

What's Wrong With You People? This is Cruel...and...WET!

No, I'm Not Your Good Kitty!

You're Squeezing to Tight...Look At My Eyes...They Say "Tilt"!

I'm Gonna Sit Here Until You Get The Towel...Now Go!

I Don't Like You Anymore...

You Said The Water Was Warm...

You Just Wait...I'll Get Even With You For This....

I Thought You Loved Me....

No,NO,NO,NO! I Said "NO"


HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he said 'no'. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them.' Then he hung up. Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!' George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'

(True Story) I LOVE IT - Don't mess with old people!!


 

Old Timers

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, 'surely I can’t look that old!' Well... You’ll love this one!

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School. 'Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang,' he gleamed with pride. 'When did you graduate?' I asked. He answered. 'In 1959, why do you ask?' 'You were in my class!' I exclaimed. He looked at me closely. Then that ugly, old, wrinkled, bald, fat, decrepit prune faced weasel asked, 'What did you teach?' 


It’s so dry….

 It's so dry in Alabama, that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are giving out wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water!





"Room 302"

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?  The operator said "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number? The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

 The Operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse". After a few minutes the Operator returned to the phone, "Oh, Good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine her blood work just came back as normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday. " The Grandmother said, "Thank you, that's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?" The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me anything."


“Tough Love vs. Spanking”
(a psychological conundrum)


Most of America 's populace think it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of "those moments."


One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk. They usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.


Sincerely,
  

A Friend  


God is like - Television commercials

A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas  about God.
     
 
Here are some of the results: scroll down.

God is like.
BAYER ASPIRIN

He works miracles.

God is like.
a FORD
He's got a better idea.


God is like.

COKE

He's the  real thing.

(This is great)

God is like.

HALLMARK CARDS

He cares enough to send His very best.


God is like.

TIDE

He gets the stains out that others leave behind.


God is like.

GENERAL ELECTRIC
He  brings good things to life.


God is like.

SEARS
He has everything.


God is like.

ALKA-SELTZER
Try Him, you'll like Him


God is like.

SCOTCH TAPE

You can't see Him, but you know He's there.

 

God is like.
DELTA
He's ready when you are.


God is like.

ALLSTATE
You're in  good hands with Him.
 

God is like.

VO-5 Hair Spray
 
He holds through all kinds of weather.


God is like.

DIAL SOAP

Aren't you  glad you have Him?  Don't you wish everybody did?

(that one is my favorite)

God is like
.

the
U.S. POST OFFICE
Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from His  appointed destination.
 

 

God is like.
 Chevrolet. .the heart beat of America  
 

God is like
Maxwell house. . .
Good to the very last drop  
 
God is like.
Bounty. .
 He is the quicker picker upper. . can handle the tough jobs. . and He won't fall apart on you 


My Mama Taught Me.....

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR .
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you.  Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you"


Laugh

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Why is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?


After starting a new diet I altered my drive to work to avoid passing my favorite bakery. I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and as I approached, there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed....."Lord, it's up to you, if you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery." And sure enough, on the eighth time around the block, there it was!
God is so Good!


Little Joey: Pop, did you go to Sunday School whe you were a boy?

Herb: Every week.

Little Joey: Then I'll bet it won't do me any good, either.


Bible Humor

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A. Ruthless.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.
















































 
 
2006, Search The Word Ministry