Friends, the sayings and quotes from this page were compiled from
a variety of different sources.
Then was our mouth filled with laughter... Psalms 126:2a
A merry heart doeth good like a medicine... Proverbs 17:22a
A merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance... Proverbs 15:13a
To everything there is a season, and a time to every
purpose under the heaven:... and a time to laugh... Ecclesiastes 3:1 & 3:4b
Now, wasn't that worth a few
moments of your time
in the midst of all the
Subject: Road Rage
A man was being
tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy NJ boulevard. Suddenly, the
light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping
at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by
accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in
frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection,
dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up
into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to
exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted,
photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a
policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to
the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal
He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your
car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you,
and cussing a blue streak at him.' I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do'
bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to
bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk;
naturally ... I assumed you had stolen the car.'
first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, But I got canned. I
2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it,
so they gave me the axe
3. After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it
mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
5. Then, I tried to be a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my
life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
6. Next, I attempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn't
cut the mustard.
7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.
10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live
on my net income.
11. I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Co., but the
work was just too draining.
12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center but they said I wasn't fit for
13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a
Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was
always the same old grind.
15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT AND FOUND THAT I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
The Tax Poem
At first I thought this was funny... Then I realized the
awful truth of it.
Be sure to read all the way to the end!
THE TAX POEM
Tax his land, Tax his bed, Tax the table at which he's fed.
Tax his tractor, Tax his mule, Teach him taxes are the rule.
Tax his work, Tax his pay, He works for peanuts anyway!
Tax his cow, Tax his goat, Tax his pants, Tax his coat!
Tax his ties, Tax his shirt, Tax his work, Tax his dirt.
Tax his tobacco, Tax his drink, Tax him if he tries to think.
Tax his cigars, Tax his beers, If he cries Tax his tears.
Tax his car, Tax his gas, Find other ways to tax his a--.
Tax all he has then let him know that you won't be done till he has no
When he screams and hollers, then tax him some more, Tax him till He's good
Then tax his coffin, Tax his grave, Tax the sod in which he's laid.
Put these words upon his tomb, ' Taxes drove me to my doom...'
When he's gone, do not relax, its time to apply the inheritance tax.
Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL license Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasol ine At x (44.75 cents per gallon)
Gross Receipts Tax
Hunting License Tax
IRS Interest Charges IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Marriage License Tax
Personal Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service Charge Tax
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Taxes
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
Telephone State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
THINK THIS IS FUNNY ?
Not ONE of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was the
most prosperous in the world. We had absolutely no national debt, had the
largest middleclass in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
What happened? Can you spell 'politicians?' and I
still have to 'press 1' for English!?
For all of us who are
seniors - for all of you who know seniors - and for all of you who will be
seniors. It pays to be able to laugh about it when you are!
And, speaking of senior moments:
"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!" The irate customer calling the newspaper office
loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.
"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper
is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a
ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter,
shoot... so that's why no one was at church today".
Some people have trouble with all those 'shall's' and 'shall not's' in the
Ten Commandments. Folks just aren't used to talking in those terms. So, in
middle Tennessee they translated the 'King James' into ' Jackson County '
language..... no joke, (posted on the wall at a Church in Gainesboro , TN )
(1) Just one God
(2) Put nothin' before God
(3) Watch yer mouth
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'
Honor yer Ma & Pa
(6) No killin'
(7) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal
(8) Don't take what ain't yers
(9) No tellin' tales or gossipin'
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff
Now that's plain an' simple.
Y'all have a nice day.
'To get something you never had, you have to do
something you never
takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you,
opening your hands to receive something better.
Concentrate on this sentence... 'The will of God
will never take you where the Grace
will not protect you.' Something good will happen to you today;
that you have been waiting to hear.
Touching Story of Love and Marriage :
A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he
suddenly smelled the aroma of his
favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the
bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down
the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing
into the kitchen. Were it not for
death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.
There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table, were
literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven?
Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife,
seeing to it that he left this world a happy man ?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the
table. The aged and withered hand shaking made his way to
a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly
smacked with a spatula by his wife.
Stay out of those,' she said, 'they're for the funeral.'
Have Learned from Children
A king size waterbed holds enough water
to fill a 2000 square foot house 4 inches deep.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies
and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
A 3 year old child's voice is louder
than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling
fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman
underwear and a Superman cape.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling
fan and tie it to a paint can, it does spread paint on all four walls of a
You should not throw baseballs up when
the ceiling fan is on.
When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you
have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long
The glass in windows (including double
pane windows) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush along
with the words "uh oh," it's already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes
smoke (and lots of it).
A six-year old can start a fire with a
flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the
Certain Lego blocks will pass through
the digestive tract of a 4 year old.
Play-Doh and microwave should not be
used in the same sentence.
Super glue is forever.
No matter how much Jell-O you put in a
swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
VCRs do not eject sandwiches, even
though TV commercials show they do.
Garbage bags do not make good
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise
You probably don't want to know what
that smell is.
Always look in the oven before you turn
Plastic toys do not like ovens.
The fire department in my town has a 5
minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine
does not make earthworms dizzy.
The spin cycle on the washing machine
does make cats dizzy, however.
Cats throw up twice their body weight
60% of men who read this will try
mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
REASONS WE LOVE KIDS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from
his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not
necessarily those of his parents.'
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her
struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the
phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's
hitting the bottle.'
3) POLICE # 1
taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted
by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she
asked, 'Are you a cop?' 'Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report.
My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is
that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she
extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
POLICE # 2
was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station.
As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a
little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the
back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'
working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I
used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was
unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the
canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of
false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable
barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will
never believe this!'
walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the
intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his
5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper
burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton
batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with
sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always
said: 'Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he
little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just
wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and
they won't let me talk!'
little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered
through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked
up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been
pressed in between the pages. 'Mama,
look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?'With
astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's
JUST A TAP ON THE SHOULDER
in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the
shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus,
drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still
shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'
frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a
mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my
first day driving a cab................... I've been driving a hearse for
the last 25 years.'
thanks to Vivian Hughes for this contribution to the humor page.
sentence using these four words:
Defeat, deduct, detail and defense all in one sentence.
"De' feet of de' duck went over
de' fence before de' tail!"
Woodpecker Might have to go!
Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's
One : Don't miss the boat.
Two : Remember that we are all in the
Three : Plan ahead. It wasn't raining
when Noah built the Ark.
Four : Stay fit When you're 600 years
old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
Five : Don't listen to critics; just
get on with the job that needs to be done.
Six : Build your future on high ground.
For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
Eight : Speed isn't always an
advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
Nine : When you're stressed, float a
Ten : Remember, the Ark was built by
amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
Eleven : No matter the storm, when you
are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting...Pass
this along and
make someone else smile, too.
How to tell if a Catholic is driving too fast
Jewish Olympic Swimmer
Church can be hilarious!
Summary of Life
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair
that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask
you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man
is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman!
Without her, man is nothing."
Bubba's Memorial Stone
Bubba died. His will provided $50,000
for an elaborate funeral. As the last attendees left, Bubba's wife
Rose turned to her oldest friend Sadie and said, "Well, I'm sure
Bubba would be pleased."
"I'm sure you're right," replied Sadie, who leaned in close and
lowered her voice to a whisper. "Tell me, how much did it really
cost?" "All of it," said Rose. "Fifty thousand."
"No!" Sadie exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but really...
nodded. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church for
the Pastor's services. The catered food and drinks were another
$500. The rest went for the memorial stone."
computed quickly. "$42,500 for a memorial stone? Oooo --- k, how
big is it?"
"Seven and a half carats."
We Finally Moved Into Our
The Joys of Being a Stay at Home Mom
WORKING PEOPLE FREQUENTLY ASK STAY AT HOME MOMS
WHAT THEY DO TO MAKE THEIR DAYS INTERESTING.
I WENT TO WAL-MART THE OTHER DAY. I WAS
ONLY IN THERE FOR ABOUT 5 MINUTES. WHEN I CAME OUT THERE WAS A CITY COP
WRITING OUT A PARKING TICKET.
I WENT UP TO HIM AND SAID, "COME ON, BUDDY,
HOW ABOUT GIVING A MOM A BREAK?"
HE IGNORED ME AND CONTINUED WRITING THE
TICKET............. I CALLED HIM A PIG.
HE GLARED AT ME AND STARTED WRITING ANOTHER TICKET FOR HAVING WORN TIRES.
...........SO I CALLED HIM A WORSE NAME.
HE FINISHED THE SECOND TICKET AND PUT IT ON THE
WINDSHIELD WITH THE FIRST. THEN HE STARTED WRITING A THIRD TICKET.
THIS WENT ON FOR ABOUT 20 MINUTES. THE
MORE I ABUSED HIM THE MORE TICKETS HE WROTE.
I DIDN'T CARE............
MY CAR WAS PARKED AROUND THE
CORNER............ AND THIS ONE HAD A, "HILLARY IN '08" BUMPER STICKER ON
I TRY TO HAVE A LITTLE
FUN EACH DAY... I HAVE TO IN ORDER TO KEEP MY SANITY!.
SOME TIME-HONORED TRUTHS
Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about
4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be
able to say it.
5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large
6. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
7. I doubt, therefore I might be.
8. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
9. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
11. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
12. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
13. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go
14. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy
15. If the entire world is a stage, where is the audience
16. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to
17. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still
18. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to
19. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
20. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at
was trying to get a job in India.
The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except
one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."
Mujibar said, "I am ready."
The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready"
The manager said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, and I Pink it up, and say,
Yellow', this is Mujibar."
Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems.
No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.
little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the
offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped
up so that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin
asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know
that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like
the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to
his mother, "Mom, I've decided t o become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the
little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will
be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service:
"And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. " How do you know
what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me, " the father replied. "Oh, then
why do you keep crossing things out?"
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him
the money now, will he let us go?"
After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed
all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three
times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted
us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"
Teri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible
stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an
airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The
flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and
Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?" "Oh, that's
Pontius - the Pilot."
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly, did you say
prayers before eating?" "No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to.
My Mom is a good cook."
A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on
a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!" A stagehand below would
then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would plunge
through. The play was well received. One day the actor playing the part
became ill, and another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When
the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the
rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount
of tugging on the rope could make him descend. One student in the balcony
jumped up and yelled: "Hal lelujah! Hell is full!"
Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist
Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year old boy
told how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway
through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, "If you don't be quiet,
Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon
all over again!" It worked.
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime
story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up
to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek,
then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "Yes,
sweetheart," he answered. "God made me a long time ago." "Oh," she paused.
"Grandpa, did God make me too?" "Yes, indeed, honey," he said. "God made
you just a little while ago." Feeling their respective faces again, she
observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"
, the guys' side of the story.
must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear
From the female side .
Now here are the rules from the male side .
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one :
Subtle hints do not work !
Strong hints do not work !
Obvious hints do not work !
Just say it!
1 Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem
if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument
In fact , all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
If you already know best how t do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
1. Christopher Columbus did
need directions and neither do we.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you
don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
1. I am in shape.
IS a shape!
You may want to pass this along to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.
You may want to pass this along to as many women as you can -
to give them a bigger laugh!
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his
collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house,
down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let
him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and
slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a
note to his collar: 'Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar:
'He lives in a home with ten children -- he's trying to catch up on his
sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'
THE MOUTHS OF BABES...
grade school teacher in Virginia
presented each child in her classroom the first half of a well-known proverb
and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Here are their
1. Don’t change horses... until they stop running.
2. Strike while the...bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before...Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of...termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but...how?
6. Don't bite the hand that...looks dirty.
7. No news is...impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a...Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new...math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll...stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust...me.
12. The pen is mightier than the...pigs.
13. An idle mind is...the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's...pollution.
15. Happy is the bride who...gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is...not much.
17. Two's company, three's...the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what...you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and...you have to blow
20. There are none so blind as...Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not...spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed...get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you...see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind...get out of the way.
What Love means to a 4-8 year old . . .
Slow down for three minutes to read this. It is so worth it. Touching
words from the mouth of babes.
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of
4 to 8 year-olds, 'What does love mean?'
The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could
have imagined. See what you think:
'When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and
paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her
all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's
Rebecca- age 8
'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is
different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.'
Billy - age 4
'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving
cologne and they go out and smell each other.'
Karl - age 5
'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your
French fries without making them give you any of theirs.'
Chrissy - age 6
'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.'
Terri - age 4
'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a
sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.'
Danny - age 7
'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of
kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.
My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they
Emily - age 8
'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop
opening presents and listen.'
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a
friend who you hate,'
Nikka - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)
'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears
Noelle - age 7
'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are
still friends even after they know each other so well.'
Tommy - age 6
'During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I
looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and
smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared
Cindy - age 8
'My mommy loves me more than anybody You don't see anyone else
kissing me to sleep at night.'
Clare - age 6
'Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.'
'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says
he is handsomer than Robert Redford.'
Chris - age 7
'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him
alone all day.'
Mary Ann - age 4
'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her
old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.'
Lauren - age 4
'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and
little stars come out of you.' (what an image)
Karen - age 7
'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But
if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.'
Jessica - age 8
And the final one
The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor
was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.
Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old
gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the
little boy said,
'Nothing, I just helped him cry'
(Thanks, these were submitted by email from a friend)
20 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of
Lunch Time, Sit in Your Parked Car with Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer
at Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with
Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has gotten over Their
Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"
Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With the Prophecy."
t use any punctuation
Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat with a serious face.
Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
Sing Along At the Opera
to a Poetry Recital and Ask Why the Poems Don't Rhyme
Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.
Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party
Because You're Not in the Mood.
Have Your Co-workers Address You by Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"
When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running Towards the Parking lot, yelling "Run
for Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To
Let One Of You Go."
20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level
Of Insanity......Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. It's Called
THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCH
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her
mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of
happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought
about this for a moment then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could,
trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord,
please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While
she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her
clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up,brushed herself off, and
started running again! As she ran, she once again began to pray,"Dear Lord,
please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first
boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a
poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad
scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him
$100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few
words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people
to collect all the money!"
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no
male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service,
she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them
to take me out when I'm dead."
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had
to arrest your own mother?" He answered, "Call for backup."
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with
them to Jerusalem . A small child replied, "They couldn't get a
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five
and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and
thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat
our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one little boy answered,
"Thou shall not kill."
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including
human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how
Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother
noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is
the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm
going to have a wife."
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong
preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all
this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus
turned out. It's probably just your Dad."
Lessons Learned From A Dog......
Great advice! If a dog were the teacher you would
learn stuff like:
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure
When it’s in your best interest, practice obedience!
Let others know when they’ve invaded your territory.
Stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back in the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you’re scolded, don’t buy into the guilt thing and
pout; run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you’re not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle him or
Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a
venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....and since it
was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The
delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem
for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
The Priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.....and as the
priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and
raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."
Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the
wonderful aroma of grilled venison again filled the neighborhood. The Priest
was called immediately by the neighbors and as he rushed into Bubba's yard
clutching a rosary preparing to scold him, he stopped and watched in
amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water
which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz
born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."
Short and Funny
I dialed a number and got the following recording: - "I am not available
right now, but Thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some
changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not
return your call, You are one of the changes."
to inspire before you expire.
wife and I had words, But I didn't get to use mine.
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
Blessed are those who can give without remembering And take without
irony of life is that, by the time You're old enough to know your way
around, you're not going anywhere.
made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her
always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
morning is the dawn of a new error.
quote of the month is by Jay Leno: - "With hurricanes, tornados, fires out
of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the
country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and
terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the
Pledge of Allegiance?"
Thoughts On Cat Baths - By The Cats!
I Could Get On My Knees To Pray...
Can't I Get Any Traction?
Wrong With You People? This is Cruel...and...WET!
I'm Not Your Good Kitty!
Squeezing to Tight...Look At My Eyes...They Say "Tilt"!
Gonna Sit Here Until You Get The Towel...Now Go!
Don't Like You Anymore...
Said The Water Was Warm...
Just Wait...I'll Get Even With You For This....
Thought You Loved Me....
No,NO,NO,NO! I Said "NO"
CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE
Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him
that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the
bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw
that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police,
who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he said 'no'. Then they said that
all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an
officer would be along when available. George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted
to 30, and phoned the police again.
'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people
stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now
because I've just shot them.' Then he hung up. Within five minutes three
police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the
Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen
said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!' George said, 'I
thought you said there was nobody available!'
(True Story) I LOVE IT - Don't mess with old people!!
ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, 'surely I
can’t look that old!' Well... You’ll love this one!
I was sitting in the waiting
room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma,
which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome,
dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some
40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way
back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to
have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had
attended Morgan Park High School. 'Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang,' he
gleamed with pride. 'When did you graduate?' I asked. He answered. 'In 1959,
why do you ask?' 'You were in my class!' I exclaimed. He looked at me
closely. Then that ugly, old, wrinkled, bald, fat, decrepit prune faced
weasel asked, 'What did you teach?'
It’s so dry….
It's so dry in Alabama, that the Baptists are starting to
baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are giving out wet-wipes,
the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks and the Catholics are praying
for the wine to turn back into water!
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's
Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can
tell me how a patient is doing? The operator said "I'll be glad to help,
dear. What's the name and room number? The grandmother in her weak tremulous
voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The Operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her
nurse". After a few minutes the Operator returned to the phone, "Oh, Good
news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood
pressure is fine her blood work just came back as normal and her Physician,
Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday. " The Grandmother
said, "Thank you, that's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me
“Tough Love vs. Spanking”
(a psychological conundrum)
Most of America 's populace think it improper to spank children, so I have
tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of "those
One that I found effective is for me to just take the child
for a car ride and talk.
They usually calm
down and stop misbehaving
after our car ride together.
I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you
would like to use the technique.
God is like - Television commercials
A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at TV
commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas
Here are some of the results: scroll down.
God is like.
He works miracles.
God is like.
He's got a better idea.
God is like.
He's the real thing.
(This is great)
God is like.
He cares enough to send His very best.
God is like.
He gets the stains out that others leave behind.
God is like.
He brings good things to life.
God is like.
He has everything.
God is like.
Try Him, you'll like Him
God is like.
You can't see Him, but you know He's there.
God is like.
He's ready when you are.
God is like.
You're in good hands with Him.
God is like.
VO-5 Hair Spray
He holds through all kinds of weather.
God is like.
Aren't you glad you have Him? Don't you wish everybody did?
(that one is my favorite)
God is like.
Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from His appointed
God is like.
Chevrolet. .the heart beat of
God is like
Maxwell house. . .
Good to the very last drop
God is like.
He is the quicker picker upper. . can handle the tough jobs. . and
He won't fall apart on you
My Mama Taught Me.....
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB
WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each
other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will
come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
"If you don't straighten up,
I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me LOGIC
" Because I said so, that's
My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that
swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean
underwear, in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give
you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of
"Shut your mouth and eat your
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt
on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all
that spinach is gone."
My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as
if a tornado went through it."
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've
told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this
world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR
"Stop acting like your
My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less
fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get
My mother taught me about RECEIVING
"You are going to get it when
you get home!"
My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing
your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't
you think I know when you are cold?"
My mother taught me HUMOR
"When that lawn mower cuts
off your toes, don't come running to me."
My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your
vegetables, you'll never grow up."
My mother taught me GENETICS
"You're just like your
My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you.
Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age,
My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids,
and I hope they turn out just like you"
I used to eat a lot of natural
foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the
best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to
pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something
lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody
gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians:
the quick and the dead.
Health is merely the slowest
possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut
and a grave is the depth.
Health nuts are going to feel
stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has
a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start
All of us could take a lesson from
the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 60's, people took acid to
make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make
Why is it one careless match can
start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Why is there a light in the fridge
and not in the freezer?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one
cares, why is there a song about him?
Do illiterate people get the full
effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you
blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car
ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Why doesn't glue stick to the
inside of the bottle?
After starting a new diet I altered my drive to work to
avoid passing my favorite bakery. I accidentally drove by the bakery this
morning and as I approached, there in the window were a host of goodies. I
felt this was no accident, so I prayed....."Lord, it's up to you, if you
want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for
me directly in front of the bakery." And sure enough, on the eighth time
around the block, there it was!
God is so Good!
Little Joey: Pop, did you go to Sunday School whe you were a boy?
Herb: Every week.
Little Joey: Then I'll bet it won't do me any good, either.
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph
was heard throughout the land.
Also, probably a Honda,
because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.
Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.