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Friends, the sayings and quotes from this page were compiled from
a variety of different sources.

Then was our mouth filled with laughter... Psalms 126:2a
A merry heart doeth good like a medicine... Proverbs 17:22a
A merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance... Proverbs 15:13a
To everything there is a season, and a time to every
purpose under the heaven:... and a time to laugh... Ecclesiastes 3:1 & 3:4b

 
 

Ten differences between the Doctor and the Pastor - By Pastor Flosser  
 
The Doctor says, "Please disrobe" and you do it without question. The  
Pastor preaches that you should dress modestly and he is getting too personal.  
 
The Doctor charges outrageous fees and you complain but you come back  
the next time you are sick. The Pastor preaches that you should pay your  
tithes and you leave the church.  
 
The Doctor checks how much you weigh and you allow him.  
The Pastor asks how much you pray and it's none of his business.  
 
The Doctor gives you a nasty tasting pill and you take it.  
The Pastor feeds you the Word and you say no thank you.  
 
The Doctor's office closes at a certain time.  
The Pastor is to be available, awake and ready twenty-four hours a day.  
 
The Doctor tells you how to change your lifestyle to lower your blood pressure.
The Pastor tells you how to change your lifestyle and it raises your blood pressure.  
 
The Doctor tells you we need to run more tests, so you make an appointment.
The Pastor says we need more Prayer Meetings and Bible Studies and you are too busy.  
 
The Doctor says, "There is nothing more we can do", and you search high  
and low for one who can help.The Pastor says, "God can help you", and  
you give up and say, "What's the use."  
 
The Doctor says, "Try this and see if it works and if it doesn't we'll  
try something else", so you do. The Pastor gives you the promises of  
God's Word and you don't like to "Walk by faith."  
 
To the Doctor, you are just another customer.  
To the Pastor, you are a part of the family. He loves you. He prays  
for you. He helps carry your burdens. He laughs with you and cries with you.  
 
You are important to your Pastor.

 

A Sunday school teacher was questioning the children in her Sunday school
class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

She asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale
and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard,
and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "NO!"

By now she was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" She asked them again.
Again, they all answered, "NO!"

She was just bursting with pride for them.
Well, she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."

36 CHRISTIAN WAYS TO REDUCE STRESS 

Some one said, "Never borrow from the future. If you worry about what may happen tomorrow and it doesn't happen, you have worried in vain. Even if it does happen, you have to worry twice."  
 
1. Pray 
2. Go to bed on time. 
3. Get up on time so you can start the day un-rushed. 
4. Say no to projects that won't fit into your time schedule, or that will compromise your mental health. 
5. Delegate tasks to capable others. 
6. Simplify and un-clutter your life. 
7. Less is more. (Although one is often not enough, two are often too many.) 
8. Allow extra time to do things and to get to places. 
9. Pace yourself. Spread out big changes and difficult projects over time; don't lump the hard things all together. 
10. Take one day at a time. 
11. Separate worries from concerns. If a situation is a concern, find out what God would have you do and let go of the anxiety. If you can't do anything about a situation, forget it. 
12. Live within your budget; don't use credit cards for ordinary purchases. 
13. Have backups; an extra car key in your wallet, an extra house key buried in the garden, extra stamps, etc. 
14. K.M.S. (Keep Mouth Shut). This single piece of advice can prevent an enormous amount of trouble. 
15. Do something for the Kid in You everyday. 
16. Carry a Bible with you to read while waiting in line. 
17. Get enough rest. 
18. Eat right. 
19. Get organized so everything has its place. 
20. Listen to a tape while driving that can help improve your quality of life. 
21. Write down thoughts and inspirations. 
22. Every day, find time to be alone. 
23. Having problems? Talk to God on the spot. Try to nip small problems in the bud. Don't wait until it's time to go to bed to try and pray. 
24. Make friends with godly people. 
25. Keep a folder of favorite scriptures on hand. 
26. Remember that the shortest bridge between despair and hope is often a good "Thank you Jesus." 
27. Laugh. 
28. Laugh some more! 
29. Take your work seriously, but not yourself at all. 
30. Develop a forgiving attitude (most people are doing the best they can). 
31. Be kind to unkind people (they probably need it the most). 
32. Sit on your ego. 
33. Talk less; listen more. 
34. Slow down. 
35. Remind yourself that you are not the general manager of the universe. 
36. Every night before bed try and think of one thing you are grateful for. Make it something that you have never been grateful for before. GOD HAS A WAY OF TURNING THINGS AROUND FOR YOU. "If God be for us, who can be against us?" (Romans 8:31)
 
After the dedication of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a
Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
A Sunday school teacher asked her children,
as they were on the way to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
A mother was preparing pancakes for her son s, Kevin, 5 and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait."
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned
to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the
blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I
invite all these people to dinner?"
"People are like tea bags - you have to put them in hot water
before you know how strong they are."
"How will you spend eternity - Smoking or Nonsmoking?"
"In the dark? Follow the Son."
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before
a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly,
but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station.
Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the delay.
It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what
the lesson was about. The daughter answered,
"Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed.
Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said, "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
 
HYMNS FOR ALL THINGS

The Dentist's Hymn:.....................Crown Him with Many Crowns

The Weatherman's Hymn............There Shall Be Showers of Blessings

The Contractor's Hymn:...............The Church's One Foundation

The Tailor's Hymn:....................... Holy, Holy, Holy

The Golfer's Hymn:...................... There's a Green Hill Far Away

The Politician's Hymn:................. Standing on the Promises

The Optometrist's Hymn:..............Open My Eyes That I Might See

The IRS Agent's Hymn:.................I Surrender All

The Gossip's Hymn:......................Pass It On

The Electrician's Hymn:................Send The Light

The Shopper's Hymn:...................Sweet By and By

The Realtor's Hymn:..................... I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop

The MassageTherapists Hymn.... He Touched Me

The Doctor's Hymn:..................... The Great Physician

 
AND for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns:

-----45mph....................God Will Take Care of You

-----55mph....................Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah

-----65mph....................Nearer My God To Thee

-----75mph....................Nearer Still Nearer

-----85mph...................This World Is Not My Home

-----95mph....................Lord, I'm Coming Home

 
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment.
Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion. The first student got up in front of the class and said,
"My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."
The second student got up in front of the class and said,
"My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is the Crucifix."
The third student got in up front of the class and said,
"My name is Tommy and I am Baptist and this is a casserole."
 
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day,
how come nothing is free yet?
Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.
We could learn a lot from crayons:
some are sharp, some are pretty,
some are dull, some have weird names,
and all are different colors....
but they all exist very nicely in the same box.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Two little boys were going through the lunch line at school.
On the bowl of apples was a sign that read,
"Take only one, remember God is watching!"
At the end of the line was a platter of cookies.
Seeing them, little Johnny said to his friend Joey,
"Quick Joey, take what you want,
God is watching the apples and not the cookies."
Sometimes working for God on earth does not pay much,
but His Retirement plan is out of this world.
You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.
Why not try some singing along the way?
The Lord is constantly watching after me; sometimes I think I
put Him on overtime, keeping Him busy.   by Larry Mason
 
Due to recent cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel has been TURNED OFF.
Man’s way leads to a hopeless end—God’s way leads to an endless hope.
Don’t put a question mark where God puts a period.
When praying, don’t give God instructions-how, when, where, how much, which way
just report for duty.
Please do not wait for six strong men to take you to church.
We don’t change God’s message – His message changes us.
When God ordains, He sustains.
Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory position.
Compassion is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back.
He who angers you controls you.
Did you know that they must have played tennis in the Bible?
The scripture tells us “Joseph served in Pharaohs’ court.”
As a little boy and his mom watched the jets leave trails of smoke miles up in the sky, the little boy cried, “Look mommy, they’re making sidewalks for the angels.”
You cannot defeat an individual who will love you, pray for you and not argue with you.

If every member of this church were a member like me,
what kind of church would this church be?

 
Profanity is the effort of a feeble mind to express it’s self forcibly.
A politician is one who talks about one thing and speaks about another.
Give God what's right -- not what's left.
He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.
Don't put a question mark where God puts a period.
WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.
Most people want to serve God but only in an advisory position.
Suffering from truth decay? Brush up on your Bible.
Exercise daily -- walk with the Lord.
Never give the devil a ride -- he will always want to drive.
Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can develop.
Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door for a lifetime.

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write his sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me!" "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

The Sunday school Teacher asked,
"Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," little Johnny replied, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook."
A committee is the unwilling, asking the unfit to do the unnecessary.
They take down minutes and waste hours.
If you’re headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns
If you don’t like the way you were born, try being born again.
Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way, but never forget to remember the blessings that come each day.
 
If you give the devil an inch, he'll take the ruler.
If the shoe fits, get another one like it.
The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.
God does love everyone, but probably prefers
"the fruits of the spirit" to "religious nuts!"
Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited -
until you try to sit in their pews.
The good Lord did not create anything without a purpose,
but mosquitoes come close.
The phrase that is guaranteed to wake up the congregation:
"And in conclusion!"
To make a long story short, don't tell it!
We are called of God to be witnesses,
not lawyers and judges.
Forbidden fruits create many jams.
God grades on the cross and not on the curve.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
It had to be Samson because he brought the house down!
What do they call pastors in Germany?
German Shepherds
Some church members are concrete members,
thoroughly mixed and permanently set.
Everyone has a photographic memory.
Some just do not have film.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
It is said that if you lined up all the cars in the world, end to end,
someone would be dumb enough to try and pass them!
What kind of man was Boaz before he married? Ruthless!!
Contentment is seeing what you have and not ordering anything else.
 
People will do what you inspect, not what you expect!

Don't fret if your tasks are hard and your rewards are few,
the Great Oak was once a NUT like you!

Some church members are Kodak Christians,
overexposed or undeveloped.

Nothing ruins the truth like stretching it

We teach what we know but reproduce what we are.

Like cars, backsliders begin to miss before they quit.

Hats off to the past and coats off to the future.

A half-truth is really a whole lie.

One reason for doing the right thing today is tomorrow.

A little flattery now and then makes big fools of little men.

As a pastor, I would rather tone down a fanatic than to
heat up a corpse.

"You'd be surprised how you can forget the things
you don't want to remember."

                                             - David Johnson

Limelight-I-us is a spiritual sickness, which grows on us when we
need the applause of men instead of the approval of God.

A committee unknowingly may be the unwilling, asking the unfit to
do the unnecessary. They take down minutes and waste hours.

Most of us started out with nothing, and still have most of it.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands
of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks the slowest.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges?

We do not want to go to church with hypocrites yet we go everywhere else with them.
- Earnest Markham -
IF A MAN SPEAKS IN THE WOODS AND THERE'S NO WOMAN AROUND,
IS HE STILL WRONG?
PEOPLE ARE STRANGE: THEY WANT THE FRONT OF THE BUS,
THE BACK OF THE CHURCH AND THE CENTER OF ATTENTION.
GOD PUT ME ON THE EARTH TO ACCOMPLISH A CERTAIN NUMBER OF THINGS. RIGHT NOW, I'M SO FAR BEHIND THAT I'LL NEVER DIE.
INSCRIBED ON A TOMBSTONE:
HERE LIES THE BODY OF OLIVER PEAS,
PEAS IS NOT HERE, JUST THE POD,
TO SOME THIS MAY SEEM ODD,
BUT PEAS HAS SHELLED OUT AND GONE TO GOD.
 
DO WHAT YOU CAN, WITH WHAT YOU HAVE, WHERE YOU ARE.
IN OTHER WORDS, "BLOOM WHERE YOU ARE PLANTED"!
A DUSTY BIBLE LEADS TO A DIRTY LIFE.
H.O.A.P.
HAUL OFF AND PREACH!!!
"YOU GET MARRIED THINKING YOU'RE GOING TO LIVE LIFE IN THE FAST LANE
AND DISCOVER THAT YOU MARRIED A SPEED BUMP."
A note about planning: "Until you set the wedding date, no one really takes the engagement seriously!"  - Joe Blackman
IT TAKES THREE THINGS TO MAKE A GREAT SERMON:
1. A GOOD BEGINNING.

        2. A GOOD ENDING.

        3. A CONNECTING OF THE TWO.

 
TODAY IS THE TOMORROW YOU WORRIED ABOUT YESTERDAY.
WHAT DOES A MILLION DOLLARS AND A BALE OF HAY HAVE IN COMMON?
THEY BOTH WILL BE WORTH THE SAME ON JUDGEMENT DAY!
YOU MAY BE TODAY'S HEADLINES BUT TOMORROWS FISH WRAP!
 
2006, Search The Word Ministry